So yesterday I asked God to help me restart.  And I've failed already at changing the person I am to become the person I want to be.  At church we talked about the history of the bible and how it is real and that we can depend on it.  At first I thought that it was going to be a service that I wasn't going to get anything out of, but then something happened...Shawn said something about the fact that it is real and that we should be able to have faith in the book called the Bible and then I teared up yet again.  I don't think I have ever gone to a service there and not cried a little bit.  Its such an amazing church.  I gave up some of my money in the offering and I also grabbed in ornament off a xmas tree with a childs name and a gift that the child would like.  I got Rayona and she wanted the new Chris Brown CD.   So I went and picked that up and also went out and did some xmas shopping for other people.   I got Carrie...amazing, sweet, perfect, Carrie, a cross necklace.  I don't know why I like that girl so much, but I do.  She is just so...friendly and the perfect friend.  I want her in my life for a LONG time. 

But I don't know, I need to talk to Ray, the dad of the family that I am staying with, and ask for him to help me out with my debt.  I need to get that taken care of and starting to get paid off.  I should go to that website that my boss told me about and get that set up.  Thats free...  Wednesday I'm going to give them a call and get that set up.

Tonight I am going out to dinner with Sarah.  Should be interesting.

I miss my sister, I haven't seen her since we went to New Found Glory at the beginning of November.  Its been over a month.  She is highly disappointed in me because of the shit that I was doing.  But hey, I don't blame her.  I hate myself too.  But I love smoking, it calms me down and its something I need right now.  Ok so maybe I don't need it but I'm not going to be stopping anytime soon.  Its making things easy and that is alright for me. 

I hate being alone...I haven't felt this alone in so long.  I don't understand how people can just randomly go out there and hook up with people and yet here I am...lame... Everyone tells me that "oh just wait, be patient, yada yada yada" Fuck that shit.  I just want a friend I can go to shows and raves with.  Is it that difficult to find that?  I'm a nice guy arn't I?  Why wouldn't someone want a friend like me for that?  Oh well...not much I can do something about it.  I'm to damn shy. 

Well time to go back to work. 

God, I thank you for my friends that I do have.  Especially Carrie...she has been like an angel to me Lord and I pray for the strength to not screw up this friendship that we do have. I thank you for the strength that you have given me to be able to get gifts for others this xmas.  Its been way to long.  I just ask that you be with my friends and I and help us get through this lonely time.  I love you God.

Peace out everyone.